Accio Voldemort, or, If Words Could Kill
by azombiedream
Summary: Whilst arguing over the Deathly Hallows during the quest, Harry manages to use the handy Summoning Spell to save a lot of hiking and summon Voldemort. Proves that one can be dead useful at times... Nah, who am I kidding?


_**Harry Potter **_**spoof**

They all looked at each other for awhile, and then all of them spoke all at the same time. Ron said 'The Wand,' Hermione said 'The Cloak,' and Harry said the Stone.'

'_That_'_s_ not how its supposed to work!' Hermione blurted out. '_You_'_re _supposed to say the Cloak, remember, Harry? That little talk we had back at O'Rumpel's Pub?'

'Did I point out that ''the'' as in ''the Stone,'' should have a speech mark, as you said it, Harry?' Ron pointed out, but no-one bothered to listen to him.

'May I point out that half the kids at Hogwarts would wants the Wand, precious, we wants the Wand?' Harry asked. 'I'll just summon our laptop right here in fact and, even though we're out in the middle of the woods in the dead of night far from civilization, I can somehow latch onto Facebook and we'll get the info.'

He was about to summon it by magic, but no sooner than he had put his fist in his pocket for his wand, Hermione, that bitch, was 'You don't _need_ to use magic remember Harry, there's a laptop right in our case, remember?'

'Oh yeah good old Hermione wouldn't forget to pack a _laptop _into our case would she?' asked Ron but it had begun to drizzle now and no-one was listening to him.

Harry booted up the laptop, ignoring the pain in his scar which meant that somewhere, somehow, Lord Voldemort was eating pork. He connected to the Internet, thanks to the marvel technological skills of Muggle genius Bill Gates, and then it only took him five minutes to find out who at Hogwarts - people he hadn't seen for five months - would want the Wand.

'Turns out they all do,' Harry grunted ten minutes later as Ron and Hermione huffed impatiently. 'Yeah. All of them do.'

'Makes my point moot eh?' Ron aspake to the camera. 'About the punctuation stuff.'

'But come on, stuff like Cloaks and Resurrection Stones cannae exist!' Hermione argued. 'Well perhaps they did back in Medieval times but we're not _in_ Medieval times, we've moved on!'

'Lemme check, lemme check,' Harry said, 'good thing I haven't logged off.' Five minutes later he conferred that thanks to a good old fashioned mystery paranormal website, Invisibility Cloaks and Resurrection Stones really _did_ exist, or rather, they really _had _existed.

'You're so dumb, heh, so dumb, you don't even need to ask do ya, there's one in your bag!' Ron argued, referring to the Cloak. Hermione bitch slapped Ron and turned to the doubting Harry.

'But if it's real, then how come no-one uses a Stone to resurrect their deceased loved ones and how come Gordon Brown never used it to resurrect his deceased son!' Hermione doubted.

'May I remind you guys this series takes place in the 1990s, Hermione, and Gordon Brown _isn_'_t even in government by this point_!'

'But there's such a thing as a speckled hen in your bag -'

'A SPECKLED HEN! Not often you see many of _them_?'

'Oh, damn this,' Harry said. 'You want a piece of my mind, eh? Well, we can settle this once and for all. Horcruxes are out, you say? Well:' He raised his wand and pointed South, and uttered the following curses one after another:

_Accio Cup_!

_Accio Nagini_!

_Accio Ring_!

And then, the final terrifying summon which made Ron quake with fear:

_Accio Voldemort_!

'NO, HARRY, NO!' Ron yelled, waving his arms and frantic. He made to yank Harry's wand outta his hand, but Harry was too quick for him and besides, it was too late. There was already a ripping sound in the tent as one by one the several Horcruxes fell apart through the flaps into the floor of the tent: The Ring, the Cup, the Snake. Just before the final speak-of-the-Devil came through, Harry raised Godric Gryffindor's sword and plunged it down into all of the three final squealing Horcruxes and the Dark Lord was left destructible.

Ron was cowering in the corner griping Hermione's shoulders, the tent itself was creeping in fear and shuddering. The final _rip _came through as the biggest foe came plummeting through the roof, Lord Voldemort himself.

Both the opponents eyed each other for a few supermarket moments as if Time had gone to a brothel. Time never existed and neither did it. Lord Voldemort eyed his opponent sideways, scrambled to his feet, brushed himself down, and then raised his wand, the fabled Elder Wand of legend, and placed it at Harry.

Both curses came through simultaneously:

'_Aveda Kedavra_!'

'_Aveda Kedavra_!'

'It saved my life in June!'

Lord Voldemort was thrown off his feet, dead, killed by his own credit. As Lord Voldy's bank account was ripped, Muggle money spilled out into the floor and Harry was exploded into oblivion. For a few seconds he met Dumbledore at Kings Cross Station.

'You OK there?' Dumbledore droned at Harry.

'No time for _you_, old man!' Harry spat and then for a while he noticed he was naked. It did not appear to intrigue him, though it did puzzle him slightly. Harry then pulled on some robes from a closet.

'Er... I wouldn't pull them out of _there_ if I were you...' the dead Albus Dumbledore calmly suggested.

'Why not?' Harry said.

'That's, uh, not a closet,' Dumbledore explained. 'Its my bog.'

Harry looked at his hands and hastily washed them in a sink he had recently found. Despite this horrid discovery, which had shocked him perhaps more than any murder ever could in his life, he was seated next to Dumbledore in a matter of seconds.

'So you were in love with Grindelwald,' Harry asked Dumbledore.

'Not... _in love _as such,' Dumbledore explained. 'But no... I would say he was my boyfriend. We often went on private hiking trips together. Ya.'

'And he killed your sis.'

'That's a rather indecent way of putting it,' Dumbledore said.

'Like I said before, I really do _not_ have time for you, old man!' Harry said. 'So what I really want to know is, am I dead?'

'Do you feel it?' Dumbledore said. 'This is, as they say, _your_ party.'

Harry punched the mad old professor in the face; he was being infuriating. 'So what happened to the Horcruxes?' he asked when he had finished.

Dumbledore wiped his nose, and surprisingly, it wasn't broken nor did he bleed. If Harry had any doubts about Dumbledore being dead, they ended right then.

'_You _are a Horcrux,' Dumbledore said, 'and may I say this is a big-ass spoiler for those who have picked up this book in the shops and flicked to this particular part of the section with having read _The Half Blood Prince_. Professor Snape, by the way. You are a Horcrux, the final one, the unintended one, the one Lord Voldemort never intended to -'

'F, F, F, F, F, Fuck you!' Harry raised his fist and punched the ghost of Albus Dumbledore surprisingly swiftly on the nose. Once again there was no bruising and Dumbledore seemed to feel no pain. But then brilliant white light exploded in Harry's vision and like a flash, he was the fuck out of there.

He awoke back in the tent. Ron and Hermione were kneeling over him.

Harry shook himself and returned to reality.

'You OK there?' Ron asked.

'We thought you were dead!' Hermione blatantly said, knowing by now Gordon Brown wasn't in power. 'We were going to dig a hole to bury you down in the woods!'

'Nah nah I'm fine now,' Harry said. About the Horcrux being him, the final Horcrux being himself, he would take that to his grave. It was blatantly Conservative.

'Where's Voldy?' Harry asked. Ron gestured. Lying in a crumpled position, fully dead to the world, was Lord Voldemort.

'Wonder what all the Death Eaters'll do now in the war?' asked Harry.

'Probably take a shit,' Hermione suggested.

Ron and Harry looked at each other. Neither of them knew what the other was thinking.

'People are being killed off left right and centre,' Harry rioted. 'First it was Cedric, killed by Wormy. Then it was Sirius killed by Voldy's girlfriend. Then it is Fred killed by a Death Eater. Now its Lupin killed by - Oh yeah, he's just taking a train.'

'But come on, we've got nothing to do now,' Hermione said. 'Voldy's fucked, the war is won. Now... who wants to play a game of _What Would I Do With a Hallow If I Owned One_?'

'I'd have the Wand,' Ron said. 'An _Unbeatable Wand_, Hermione, come on!'

'Time I finished this, once and for all,' Hermione concluded. 'With the Cloak, I'd go around feelin' up older men.'

'With the Stone, I'd bone a ghost,' Harry said. 'Also get a ghost to tell the future and Give Back What It Has Stolen From Me! Which in my case is all the Emninem CDs.'

'With the Wand, I'd kill all the motherfuckin' Death Eaters in this motherfuckin' war!' Ron said. 'Also kill all the clerks in the world and nick the revolting CDs from the electro shops. Give me enough pimp to get my hos into heavy metal. Tattoos, vests and that shit. Start a CD shop.'

THE SPOOF ENDS HERE.


End file.
